You are viewing emo_scott

Scott Robertson's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]
Scott Robertson

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

everything [Thursday June 19th 2014 | 01.53am]
Is gone now
give a shit

Love it when you call me 'Legs'. In the morning, buy me eggs. [Saturday May 24th 2014 | 08.55pm]

I've been thinking a lot lately about the possibility of you and I getting back together. And I know that you've had a lot on your plate recently, so I've been putting off talking to you about it because I didn't want to put any extra stress on you. I know you already have enough to deal with as it is.
I also know that even though I still have feelings for you, that doesn't necessarily mean that you feel the same way about me. Although I hope that you might, I'm not so presumptuous as to think that just because I feel that way it means that you would as well.

They say that actions speak louder than words and I've been hoping that you have been able to see by the actions I've chosen that I truly do care about you, Derrick.

That being said, I want you to know that through everything that you've been going through recently, I had made the decision to do my best to put my personal feelings aside and just be there for you as a friend.
It seems that at this time in our lives that is what you needed from me. And if that's what you needed, that's what I wanted to give you.
You've said before that right now is not the time for you to be thinking about being in a relationship. You need some time to get yourself together so that you can be the best 'you' that you can be to somebody else. I respect and understand that completely.

The time that we've spent together lately, while wonderful, has also been conflicted for me.
I dont think that I've been completely subtle in the way that I feel. A hand on the shoulder, a kiss on the forehead. Little signs of affection that I've hoped you might pick up on and possibly like to reciprocate. But usually just returned with a simple smile.
To this, I feel both scared and selfish.
Scared because I feel that while your response is endearing, it's not quite as forthcoming as what I might have hoped for. Which signals to me exactly what I'm afraid of - that your feelings towards me are, indeed, not mutual.
Selfish because I feel like if your feelings aren't mutual, then to wish for you to feel differently is purely self serving. And I should instead only want for you whatever is going to actually make you happiest.

I've told you before that I believe that you have great things ahead of you and that right now is just the beginning of those things to start to happen.
I couldn't be more glad to think that all the success and happiness that you've worked so hard for is about to unfold and it's just a matter of time.
That's why I'm writing this to you now. Your future is right in front of you, you just have to reach out and grab it.
And that future is something that I had hoped I could be lucky enough to share with you.

I wrestled for a few weeks with whether or not I was actually even going to say anything about this at all. I thought about the possible outcomes - If I did. If I didn't.
I decided in the end that telling you how I feel and finding out that you don't feel the same way would be infinitely less worse than never saying anything and just wondering forever "What if?"

It's possible that right now is not our time. And maybe it'll never be our time again.
Whatever paths our lives take us on, whether separately or together, I want you to know that even through the ebbs and flows, I will always care about you and you can always count on me.

So maybe I'll give this to you. Or maybe I won't.
Maybe we'll talk about it Or maybe we won't.
Maybe you've read it.
Maybe it's sitting unopened in a drawer somewhere, a relic of my crazy and hopeless romanticism.
Either way, it's just nice to get these thoughts out of my head and let them float off into the universe somewhere.
Who knows - maybe if I'm lucky, the love I'm sending out will find it's way back to me.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But someday, I hope.
And if it doesn't, then as it's said, it must have never been mine to begin with.


Posted via

give a shit

yes, even after all this time [Monday March 15th 2010 | 12.15pm]
scottcrob is still over it.
give a shit

Voice Post [Wednesday September 16th 2009 | 01.10am]
123K 0:39
(no transcription available)
give a shit

it begins [Tuesday August 11th 2009 | 10.20am]
and it ends, same as everything else.

don't lose yourself next time, things'll get tricky.
give a shit

[Sunday May 24th 2009 | 04.56pm]
only 1|give a shit

looking back [Sunday May 24th 2009 | 04.04pm]
it is as if we were two lost souls, traveling through an immense netherworld, toward an arbitrary goal, wondering which of us was more forsaken, the navigator who didn't care where we were going, or the pilot that didn't care if we ever got there.
give a shit

copied from my response to lahnee's myspace bulletin about salvia [Monday March 16th 2009 | 06.55pm]
SUBJECT: god spoke to me

so bascially it went down like this:

this is my third or fourth time smoking salvia and previously i had only smoked 5x and 10x. this particular time, however, we opted for the 20x. i was with four or five other people in my living room. everyone was instructed to turned off thier phones, all the lights were shut off, and candles were lit. it was raining outside and you could hear the distant, quiet rumble of thunder rolling through the clouds.
i used a glass bowl to take the hit. as i breathed the herbacious smoke deep into myself, i couldn't help but burst into an involuntary and uncontrolable fit of laughter. i could not stop laughing for what seemed like forever, but it was actually probably for about a minute, maybe even less. as i stopped laughing and i took a couple of deep breaths, i could hear the static in the air, the thunder in the sky, the rain on the window, and everything felt very still.
i looked around at the familiar faces that were with me in my own living room and i tried to make some sort of sense of it all. was this my living room? who were these people? were there even people here at all?
then the sinking began.
[i don't know about you, but everytime i've ever smoked salvia i get an overwhelming feeling of sinking, or perhaps pressure, and i've heard the same from a few others as well.]
i felt that everything was falling into me - my living room, the walls, the ceiling, the floor - the whole world was collapsing into a deep hole that had opened underneath me, and i too was falling into it.
[i was told later that when this part occured, i swayed for a little bit and then i went from sitting up indian style on the floor to gently leaning back until i was laying down.]
and then, suddenly, i wasn't. nothing was falling. there was no longer that sense of the floor having opened up beneath me. instead, i felt as if i was floating underwater, not aware of up or down or any direction, and i felt afraid to breathe because i was scared if i did i would take water into my lungs. i remember thinking, "this is what it feels like to die."
and then a voice spoke to me. i didn't actually hear a voice, in reality, or in my trip, but i knew it was present, i knew what it told me to do, and i knew who said it. god told me, "just breathe."
[now just to be clear - i don't actually believe in god, therefore, i don't actually believe god spoke to me. but in my trip, it was god. and in my trip, he spoke to me.]
so i did. i closed my eyes and took a breath, and when i opened them, once again, everything had changed.
[have you ever seen those pictures that are made up of lots of smaller pictures? you know what i mean? they kind of remind me of a monet. when you look at them really close, you can see all kinds of different smaller pictures, but when you take a step back, you can see that all the smaller pictures make up a huge picture. keep that in mind.]
i was in a room with no corners and no doors or windows. i remember there being a floor because i was standing on it, but i don't remember if there was a ceiling or not. everything was bright white. almost blinding. and actually it was less like a room and more like a vast expanse of neverending bright white. only, if you looked very closely, you saw the "room" wasn't actually white at all, but made up of millions and millions of little tiny images of my living room.
and then i came back.

and that's the story of the time god spoke to me.
give a shit

[Wednesday February 11th 2009 | 11.53am]

Tall Tales Vol.1 - Rumpelstiltskin from scott on Vimeo.
only 2|give a shit

if you can see it coming, it's already too late. [Wednesday February 4th 2009 | 05.53pm]
i wasn't really planning on going to newport news for the superbowl this year, but i ended up going and having a blast anyway - of course! and the only thing i managed to lose this time was my check card. hahaha. not such a big deal compared to the infinite amount of other much more expensive / important things that i've lost in a drunken haze in and around hampton roads.
the superbowl party was kind of cheap this year, but, as always, it was really fucking great to see all my melting pot heads and, as always, we all made the best of it by getting completely tanked. can't wait to do it all over again.

my car fucking hates me dude. the entire trip to newport news and back she was acting totally fine. in fact, better than fine. not a weird noise or shudder the entire trip there or back.
then i get home and it decides to crap out on me...again.
yes, today i watched for the third time since christmas as my car got towed away to the shop. at least i can be thankful that she had the decency to wait until i got back home to crap out on me, instead of stranding me in newport news. that was thoughtful.
give a shit

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]